Golar's Brain

Well, there are approximately 69,342 articles and forum threads about how shit everyone thought the Mass Effect 3 ending was, so I won’t go on about it for too long before I cut to the chase.

Bioware’s Mass Effect helmer, Casey Hudson, recently revealed the Extended Cut free DLC pack, which should really be called the ‘We Know We Fucked Up’ pack.

I wasn’t quite howling at the moon and foaming at the mouth in rage at the ending though, as many fanboys and fangirls were. In fact, I out and out loved most of it. Like the following:

• Star Child. Come on, Star Child was a nice touch. A little boy who recurs in Shepard’s dreams only to turn out to be an avatar of the Reapers? That’s bloody awesome. His name sounds like he just climbed out of a David Bowie song and he’s also the only child to have ever appeared in a Mass Effect game, ever. So give him a damn break, fanboys. You were a child once.

• Destruction of the mass relays. Yes, I liked this. I want more sequels to Mass Effect, and this is the set-up for them. Imagine Bioware trying to tie together every variable from every person’s ending throughout the Mass Effect games and giving the next trilogy a tangible beginning. Shepard united the galaxy. Now it’s someone else’s opportunity to lead the rebuilding effort. The collected fleets of the galactic community are stranded at Earth. Let’s have a new hero with a similarly appropriate name, say, Mason, who leads the effort to rebuild the mass relays whilst struggling to keep at bay the interspecies tensions on the collected fleets. If that idea doesn’t make your nipples stand up and sing Disney songs in glorious harmony, you might as well just get the hell out. Right now.

• Mexican standoff between Shepard, Illusive Man and Anderson. The Illusive Man has become a bonkers cyborg and hypnotises Anderson and Shepard into playing Russian Roulette with each other. How anyone can find fault with this scene is beyond me. I think perhaps the sour taste people have once the game finishes retrospectively taints this part in their minds. If you didn’t like it, get the hell out of my blog.

Of course, there were elements I didn’t like. Like the fact that my crew defected like traitorous, abandoning bastards, fucking off without a care in the universe as Shepard made the ultimate sacrifice. My crew members were on Earth when I left for the Citadel. Why the fuck are they suddenly on the Normandy?! Deserting bastards! You know what, Ashley? I don’t love you at all. I said I did because I thought you might show me your tits. And you didn’t even deliver in that department, you frigid bitch. You kept your damn bra on the entire time. I should have shagged Liara instead.

Still, despite me enjoying the ending on the whole, I do have some suggestions for additions Bioware should definitely make. All of them. Even the silly ones. Let’s assume that renegade Shepard is male and paragon Shepard is female.

1. Dystopia
Renegade Shepard chooses to control the Reapers. Let’s have him turn the entire globe into a giant North Korea. Hard labour camps spring up, Reapers sit dormant like giant watchtowers. Like something out of George Orwell’s 1984, the population is oppressed, enslaved. Shepard was willing to do whatever it took to save the galaxy. Now he’s willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild, and the people suffer for it. Although his body was killed on the Crucible when activating the control mechanism, his image lives on, like Big Brother, as a symbol for the unity of mankind and all alien races, under a totalitarian government reliant on indoctrination.

2. Utopia
Paragon Shepard chooses to control the Reapers. The Reapers leave Earth, but later return. Shepard has re-purposed the Reapers into benign guardians of peace, and they begin to assist with the mammoth task of rebuilding Earth and its sister planets, with the intention of then moving on to reconstruct the mass relays. Reapers become symbols of strength and unity, and many sleep on Earth’s surface, giant living landscapes ripe for exploration. One is transformed into a flying theme park, with rollercoasters running through the interior and outside. Another uses its vast intellect and experience to become a Guru, answering timeless questions about religion and science. Shepard is remembered as the woman who tamed these vast, immortal beasts and had them live in harmony with the denizens of the galaxy.

3. Nomads
Renegade Shepard chooses to destroy the Reapers. Earth is completely destroyed in the process, mainly because Shepard couldn’t be arsed raising his Effective Military Strength by doing sidequests for people. All that is left is what remains of the collected fleets of the galactic community, which won’t be as many as they could have been had Shepard not been such a lazy bastard. The remains of the galactic community then decide to depart Earth, looking for a new home. We’re left with a Battlestar Galactica-style community, or perhaps similar to Mass Effect’s own Quarian Migrant Fleet, with ships floating through space looking for a way to a new home. A government is formed aboard the vessels. Trade prospers. We’re left watching the space gypsies depart the Sol system, on a journey into the great beyond. And perhaps to steal some lead flashings from somebody’s roof to throw in their transit van and go and flog at the local scrappies.

4. Scavengers
Paragon Shepard chooses to destroy the Reapers. Earth survives, but is still heavily damaged by the Reaper attack. With much of Earth’s resources spent on the war, rebuilding efforts look to the stranded fleets and the damaged Reaper tech to repair and recreate what was destroyed. Patchwork cities pop up, utilising salvaged Reaper parts and capital ship shells for their structures and technology. A golden age rises from the post-apocalyptic ashes of civilisation. Earth regains some of its youthful abandon, becoming a crazy multi-cultural mishmash of different species and scrapyard technology. Shepard is, as ever, an inspiration to her people, and they eagerly follow her example, living on despite everything on a colourful future-Earth.

5. Assimilation
Renegade Shepard chooses synthesis, uniting organic and synthetic life into one DNA. As a Borg-like hive mind, all species now have a unified direction and goal, and every synthetic-organic being directs their attention to the uplift and assimilation of lesser beings into the hive mind. An unstoppable force, the hive soon swallows Earth, making it the grand hub for all organic-synthetic life, before setting off on an infinite journey to assimilate the rest of the known universe.

6. Transhumanity
Paragon Shepard chooses synthesis, combining all organic and synthetic life into its ultimate evolution. These new synthetic-organic species are able to experience love and hatred like any organic, whilst also able to tap into a boundless intellect and an infinite source of knowledge, and as a result civilisation on Earth booms like never before. With the ability to tap into a unified consciousness, individuals are enlightened to a profound love and empathy for all people, and a previously unattainable peace is achieved. Cities rise again from the rubble, filled with impossibly complex structures that resemble microcircuitry, pulsating with an organic light. A philosophical renaissance begins, where efforts previously directed towards warfare are instead concentrated towards the attainment of cultural and spiritual enlightenment.

Or how about this one:

7. Dragon Age
A lazy Shepard decides to destroy the Reapers, and in the process destroy all synthetic life, such as the Geth. Earth is devastated, but not destroyed. The residents of the collected fleets of the galactic community descend upon a ruined Earth and begin to adapt to the environment, as nature slowly takes over and cities are overgrown with plants, trees and wildlife. Thousands of years pass as species adapt and intermingle. They evolve and interbreed. They rebuild in wood and stone. With an emphasis on spiritualism over destroyed and obsolete technology, biotics learn previously unknown techniques and abilities, such as the manipulation of individual molecules and friction to create fire and ice. Soon, people forget the word ‘biotic’ altogether. Magic is born.

Many species die out, whilst some are graced with mutations that make them thrive on Earth’s surface. The Volus, for example, manage to interbreed to the point where they are able to survive in Earth’s atmosphere (I know that this is impossible, as they’re ammonia-based lifeforms, but GET OUT OF MY BLOG), at which point they move underground and become the ancestors of Dwarves. Turians, meanwhile, intermingle with Quarians to become the Qunari. Humans interbreed with Asari so much that Asari begin to birth males as well as females, who beget the ancestors of Elves. The Vorcha have a particularly successful evolution, their colonies of shape-forming micro-organisms transforming them into giant, fire-breathing flying lizards that would one day be called dragons. Earth’s continents are renamed to things like Thedas and Ferelden, and lo and behold DRAGON AGE IS SET ON FAR FUCKING FUTURE EARTH, BABY! How about that for tying up story threads?

It’s not all Paragon and Renegade (and laziness) when it comes to choices in Mass Effect, however. There are plenty of other decisions the player makes, the outcomes of which deserve to be explored in extra bonus scenes. Like these:

1. Paramour
For the Shepard who just couldn’t stay faithful to one girl/boy throughout the series, we’re treated to a lusty Benny Hill-style underwear party, preferably in fast-motion with a hectic piano/saxophone medley. Picture a male Shepard who loved up the Consort in her giant lava lamp, jumped under a naked Ashley on all-fours, screwed, hammered, nailed and drilled Jack in the Normandy’s toolbox, received a lap dance from Kelly Chambers, had a peek at Miranda’s lacy lingerie, plugged Diana Allers after an interview, got to see how anatomically similar to humans Liara was, and generally spent an unreasonable amount of time leaning back and forward and back and forward and back and forward whilst sat in front of a scantily clad Asari dancer in a nightclub. Surely his carnal antics deserve some recognition! Let’s have a parade of Mass Effect babes rolling in mud and oil, slowly eating bananas, and being frantically chased around in circles in fast-motion by Shepard in his undies.

2. Sing-Along
There were several opportunities to dance in each Mass Effect game. Shepard had a remarkable amount of time for activities like this, despite immediate threats to the safety of the entire galaxy. For all those Shepards who took the opportunity to dance whenever possible, let’s have a smash hit musical set-piece. Portal got away with it, so why not Mass Effect? Picture the entire cast in a line-up, belting out a cheerful happy ending song, pulling off an incredibly choreographed piece of dancing, whilst little bird-sized Reapers of all colours gently land on their shoulders. The Krogan are doing a wide-legged, knee-slapping chant like the New Zealand rugby team. The Geth are doing the robot to the techno backing track. Asari dancers add vocal support whilst gyrating in their sexy way. Meanwhile, in memory of Professor Mordin, a troop of Salarian singers pour out a roof-shattering chorus.

3. Partaaaay!
Shepard could be an alcoholic if he chose to be, drinking to such an excess that he had to be prodded awake several hours later by various unimpressed associates. Aria’s reaction as he turned up on her couch in Mass Effect 3 was particularly scathing. Well, for the booze-hound Shepard, let’s have a Hangover-style photo montage as the credits roll, with various crazy antics that Shepard got up to and completely forgot. Let’s have him riding on a Krogan’s back, getting a tattoo of Ambassador Udina, shooting various people in the foot, punching reporters, mooning Admiral Hackett through the holocommunicator, driving a convertible car filled with topless Asari prostitutes, running through the Quarian fleet in a Geth costume, getting married to a varren, burning graffiti onto a planet’s surface with a capital ship laser, dancing in front of the refugee war memorial, poking Batarians in all four of their eyes at once, releasing frogs onto the Salarian homeworld, leaving marbles all over the floor in the Normandy cockpit so Joker slips and breaks his legs, and pooping in the shower in the womens’ restroom.

The other suggestions I have are a little less silly. Well, sort of. Well, actually, not at all. These are the issues of showing the legacy of all of our characters, and what happened to them afterwards. Bear in mind, these characters’ stories are a reflection of my first playthrough, which was a renegade male Shepard. The other thing is, I know they’re stranded on Planet China but let’s assume they repair the Normandy or somehow otherwise rediscover some thread of civilisation.

1. Tali Zora Vas Garrus’ Willy?
So, assuming that Shepard caught them both getting a little frisky in the gun battery room, let’s see what happens to that relationship. Do they have little hideous Quarian-Turian hybrid babies (despite this being physically impossible due to DNA incompatibilities)? Perhaps they are persecuted for their illicit love, and are force to play out a Romeo and Juliet where they both end up committing suicide. And perhaps Garrus will have the courtesy to SHOW US HER DAMN FACE.

2. The Cripple & The Killbot
I think the most important and pressing question for the majority of people here is; does Edi have a vagina? I spent most of Mass Effect 3 pondering this question, so let’s get it answered. Hopefully Edi can then give birth to little cyborg babies and breast-feed them with those mammoth robo-jugs she has. That must be what they’re for, right?

3. Bun in the Oven
Stop boo-hooing if you had a tumble with Kaidan Alenko. This idea won’t work with him. So, how about either Ashley or Liara turns out to be pregnant? Soon, we have another little Shepard running about, making tough decisions, and telling people “I’ve broken better toys on my way to real toy shops.”

4. At Home With The Urdnots
This has to be in there somewhere. Let’s have a Krogan version of The Osbournes, as Urdnot Wrex and Urdnot Eve raise unruly children and have the most vicious, apocalyptic arguments. Wrex starts to lose his mojo and become domesticated as he is pussy-whipped under the iron rule of his wife. Eve insists that it is an equal relationship and ends up going out and becoming the breadwinner. As Wrex struggles to contain his inner angst at being relegated to house-husband, we get a fly-on-the-wall look at the fascinating and violent family lives of Krogan war veterans. Shame my Shepard kicked Wrex out of a window on the citadel.

5. Take Back Omega!
I’m not the first or only person to suggest this one by a long shot, but I did come up with it independently, honest! Aria banged on and on about Omega, describing all the nasty ways she would take it back from Cerberus. Well, let’s play this section. Give us control of Aria, and let’s use the collected might of the united mercenary gangs to kick the tits off those Cerberus bastards.

Alternatively, setting my suggestions aside, Bioware could do what a lot of fans seem to want to do and go for the Indoctrination Theory. This involves the entire final 10 minutes of the game being a dream concocted by the Reapers to get Shepard to do what they wanted. I wholeheartedly dislike this idea because ending anything on the “it was just a dream” riff is the cheapest, nastiest trick a writer can pull. As much as some fans want you to believe it, there is no solid evidence to suggest this was Bioware’s intention in the first place, other than fans wishfully reading the Indoctrination Theory into more or less every little detail in the lead-up to the ending, because they just don’t like the ending. “Look! That girder on the Citadel re-uses a texture from this girder on Earth! It must be a dream! Look! Anderson’s eyes flicked off to the side for 0.13 of a second. It’s a conspiracy! Look, the Star Child is smiling slightly! He’s tricking Shepard! How can Shepard breath in space? Why did Anderson get there first? Why don’t I have a plate full of tasty dinner RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ME, MOTHER?!?!”

In anything other than the almost guaranteed event that Bioware doesn’t use the Indoctrination Theory, however, I have one last suggestion.

0: Unity
Shepard gets a fourth option when confronted with the three choices by the Star Child. In essence, and put bluntly, this option will be a “Fuck You”. This is how it plays out:

Star Child: “You can choose to control the Reapers, destroy the Reapers or synthesise with the Reapers. What do you choose?”

Shepard: “None of the above.”

Star Child: “What? But I–”

Shepard: “Star Child, how about you stuff your fist into your mouth and suck on it quietly whilst you listen to me, you chopsy little space-fucker. I’ve just had a revelation so massive it’s bible-worthy. I’ve realised that we don’t need you, or the power of the Crucible to defeat the Reapers. All we needed from the Crucible was a symbol to rally around. A centre-point for every race in the galaxy to gather at and decide collectively to work together. We are a galaxy united around a giant phallic weapon so big even God would think twice before dropping the soap in the shower. But the weapon isn’t what’s important. What’s important is that, together, as one single, united force, we can fuck you and the Reapers so, so hard you’ll have to cool your asses off on every ice planet from here to the edge of the damned galaxy as you run crying to your intergalactic mommies.

“So kindly take your Crucible, and your Reapers, and your ludicrous suggestion that destroying us will save us, and get ready to be royally, raucously, rectally reamed.”

Star Child: “You do realise that I’m–”

Shepard: “-that you’re a child and that was quite an inappropriate way to put it, yes, I’ve just realised that, yes.”

So that about covers that. Don’t forget to sound off in the comments section below if you agree/disagree/think I’m a tit.

And for the latest issue of Pwked, also Mass Effect themed, head straight over to Pwked! 8: Mass Effect Plot Template on the Pwked WordPress site. Or just click on the thumbnail to the left.

Until next time, get out.